Bodied

The perception of my body and the way I feel in my body are sometimes at odds. I get hit with the label “body positive” a lot and truth is…I don’t see myself as breaking any society-imposed norms. I’m just living. I still feel like the size 4 girl I’ve always been until two years ago when I got in a relationship and the weight POURED on. I went from a 26 to a 32-34 in two years but I was never made to feel self-conscious and for that I am thankful. For the past year and a half I have had an on/off relationship with fitness and health (I’m definitely an emotional eater) and when I feel upset or get discouraged, I cracked open a Butterfinger and my whole wellness shebang goes out the window.

Lately, however, I have been approaching it differently. I only work out in the morning because accomplishing something so early in the day makes me feel really good. Working out in the morning also causes me to make better food choices because I honor the commitment I’m making to myself first thing in the morning. On the days I fail to go, I don’t make excuses- I simply forgive myself and move on. I have been really patient with myself and accepting where I am in my process of actualizing health. I’m starting slow. I’m not exhausting myself during workout because I’m not there yet. And if I never get there, that’s okay too! Honesty has been key in my journey. Honesty about where I am has affected my mindset outside of the gym too. I’ve finally have stopped rewarding myself after every gym session with chocolate or chips as if a thirty minute workout completely cancels trash eating. I’ve also stopped going into “healthy” eating cold turkey because it does nothing but make me (and those around me) miserable. Most importantly: I’ve atopped demanding that others around me join in on MY goals to health. It simply isn’t realistic. I can’t demand that others cater to my goals. I can’t assume that their refusal to join my healthy bandwagon means they’re being unsupportive. Once again, I had to get real. I’m doing this to feel better about ME; not to change those around me. That thinking is a never ending process.

In addition to changing my mindset, I also bought cute gym attire to motivate me because I’ve finally admitted to myself that being cute at the gym means something to me. During my past failed fitness attempts, I refused to buy cute workout clothes until I reach a fitness goal but this time I forwent the things of the past that have failed me. My tradition of deprivation does not work and I’ve finally gotten real about what is motivating me. Of course there are days patience fails to sustain me and the negative self talk swoops in to consume me but my commitment to changing behaviors that have never positively served me is so reassuring and comforting and keeps me on the straight and narrow.

This was not a post about getting skinny. That’s not my purpose here. I love my boobs and I love my hips. I am just sick and tired of always being sick and tired. This post is more of an homage to the change that my mind has taken in regards to how I want to obtain health and go about being healthy. I don’t want to join the cult that has become the wellness industry. I simply want to walk up a flight of stairs and not get winded…or pass out.

Above, I’m wearing Girlfriend Collective set in Toasted Apricot in size Medium